No matter how much I hate to admit it, I’m a sucker for romance. I love seeing other people fall in love – in movies, in books, and of course, in reality. But somehow, watching the people close to me with their significant other makes me want to be (alone) single forever (well, not exactly forever but you get me, right?).
I am single for 20 years now. Single since birth. I’ve never said “I love you” to someone and mean it romantically. I’ve never been committed, never been kissed, never been touched. And somehow, I’m completely, honestly, whole-heartedly okay with it. The problem is some people…aren’t.
I have lost track of how many people have raised their eyebrows or interrogated me about this matter. Some are fine with it, some are curious, and a lot suggests of gives conclusions on why I’ve never ever had a boyfriend. Maybe you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe you’re setting your standards waaaay too high. Maybe you’re gay or queer or interested in girls or confused. Just for the record, I’ve done the self-assessment…I like guys. I had few suitors and had my fair share of fluttering butterflies in my stomach. So what could be wrong with me then?
My standards are way too high, yes, maybe? But why the hell should I lower it just for the sake of having a boyfriend? I’ve always set high expectations for myself in every aspect of my life. In school, at work, and even in picking my friends, so naturally, I wouldn’t settle for someone who I think doesn’t deserve me at all. I am afraid of commitments, this is what my friends would always say. And maybe they’re right. But I’m scared for my career more than I am for my love life. I chose to conquer the former first.
Looking for love isn’t just my thing. I can take care of myself and am receiving enough love from my family and friends. I also think that I haven’t even met the standards I set for myself yet, why should I look for that in other people? Right now, I’m busy making myself better, making myself deserving of the guy I later on would want to meet and spend my life with. I am not at all scared of growing up alone. Honestly, I’d rather spend all my money on spoiling myself. I’d rather walk around the house looking like a trash and be okay with it, but then again, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to wake up to every morning?
I’ve never written a poem about love…
But if I have to, I’ll write one for you.
-Ella Julian; The poem that never was (April 2016)