At the beginning of this year, my manager asked every person in our team about our New Year’s resolution.Being the youngest person in the room, as some sort of a power trip, everyone pointed at me to start the discussion. Or to give them more time to think, they passed the baton to the baby first. Honestly, I felt like I was put on the spot. I should’ve anticipated this question over the holidays because it’s a go-to conversation starter whenever another year opens, but at that time, I really don’t know how to answer.
I guess never really thought it over. Maybe I just know that I’ll fail anyway, so why put myself up to a promise that a lot of people might expect from me? With God’s grace and divine intervention of the Holy Spirit, I managed to blurt out an answer. And thinking of it now, I should’ve gone for a go-to New Year answer to this go-to New Year question. I should’ve said that I will be spending less this year or I will try to take control of my health. But somehow, I went for a deeper answer and said, “Oh, I’m gonna focus on building up my skills this year.” Shit.
I don’t even know how that idea entered my mind. What I know is the moment those words came out of me, I wanted to turn back time or maybe just disappear. Way to put pressure on yourself, self! I’m the kind of person who doesn’t talk about big plans to other people just because I don’t want them to expect something from me and just be disappointed afterward. And knowing me, I disappointing myself quite often. But hey, since I let the world (my team, actually) know that I need to improve on something, I need to work even harder to prove something to them. I am their baby and they will be watching out for me, I am 80% sure of that. Ugh! I actually need to work towards my “resolution”.
So, where are we?
Ya really wanna know? Still here. I’m still here. I’m stuck. I haven’t even moved a muscle. All I do for the first three months of the year (WOAH!) was think of what I want to do and ways on how I can do it. And that leads to thinking of ways on how I can fit those in my not even busy schedule. And that leads to thinking how hard this journey will be. And that leads to thinking of easier ways to achieve whatever I want to achieve. And that goes back to thinking what I really want in my life. What do I want? I wish I know the answer. Even as I am writing this post, I still am thinking if this is really what I should be doing.
I had a conversation last night with Patricia Pelobello (my good ol’ friend Patricia) and as usual, we were talking about our frustrations in life. I’m lucky to be able to talk to someone who understands what I’m struggling with and won’t say, “Suck it up. It happens to everybody. You’re not a special snowflake.”
We both want to do something and be able to climb greater heights. We both know very well that we need to work our butts off and it that the journey won’t be easy. We both anticipate the bumps that we’re about to face and we are willing to experience it. The only roadblock is that our desires keep on changing. It’s saddening and personally, it makes me think of my worth.
But here’s the climax. Here’s the part where I realize things.
There’s something I kept on denying. Maybe our desires aren’t constantly changing. I believe that I already know what I want to do my whole life. I already know what I should improve on and work on. The thing is, I give up too easily. As I am climbing a great height, I look around and see another mountain that I want to climb. It looks like the path on that new mountain I just discovered won’t be as rocky and the peak is within my reach. I jump on that mountain and realize that it has its own iffiness in it, so I start looking for another mountain to jump on. This cycle goes on and on and on. Me looking for an easier goal instead of working on my actual goal. I should do something. I should address this and I should address this now. Although I am considered young by many, I feel like I am running out of time.
Now here I am, finally trying to build up the only “skill” that I think I have. I am still unsure of what I am doing with my life, but I now decide to set my eye on one goal. I will climb one mountain at a time. I will still look at the view and still allow myself to appreciate other mountains, but I will see to it that I get to reach the peak of my mountain first (Yikes! Scary! Commitments are scary, but okay) before climbing another. I hope I get to meet other mountaineers and be able to exchange stories, but I will avoid comparing their pace from mine. I am working on my resolution.
So really, where are we?
In my room trying to make sense out of this post. I got a job that I might leave soon. A job that sucks all the inspiration and motivation out of me (we’ll get more on that later), but I’m still here. Not going anywhere and (hopefully) not giving up.
One mountain at a time.
Actually, one hill at a time.