20/12/17

here’s the thing.

if you (somehow) had the chance of meeting me, i might strike you as someone who smiles a lot. someone with a really sunshiny personality who’s happy all the time. someone who religiously follows the law of attraction or someone who has read that secrets book and lives with it.

i would love to be that person, but no. the truth is, i’m a pessimist, o matter how hard i try to have a positive outlook in mind. some might call this anxiety, i don’t know. i’m not sure. it might be. my psychiatrist said it is, but really, i don’t know cause i ditched her. i never came back. i’m a hundred percent convinced that i’m good and i don’t need help, but here am i, writing this. i guess i’m secretly hoping someone would read this, but also scared that i’m exposing this to the world. who will i be once i let out a small portion of what’s really going on in my brain?

my brain? it’s very scary-at least for me. you see, i’m the kind of person who picture’s my friend’s funeral at any random moment (told you i’m a  pessimist). and every single time i think about it, my ears swell up in tears. i picture my mom or dad accompanying me because it will be really hard for me to see them lifeless. i picture myself locking myself in some room thinking how i literally have nothing (n o t h i n g) if something happens to any one of them. honestly, i don’t know how my life will go if that happens.

i’m such a thoughtful friend and anyone would be so lucky to have me as their buddy, i know, i know. but ha! who am i kidding. wanna know the ugly truth? i don’t have friends. i don’t have a support system. i literally have nothing right now (n o t h i n g). the friends i mentioned earlier? i don’t even know if they still consider me as a friend. i don’t know if i will even fall in someone list of people to give gifts to this christmas. i wonder if someone will cry so hard at my funeral that their parents have to accompany them. right now, it doesn’t feel like it. i’m fine, though. don’t worry about me, i don’t want to bother anybody. i’m just wondering how the hell i got here. i wish i was close to my mom, but there are things that she just won’t understand, and that’s fine with me.

i love life. i really do.

i guess life just hates me.

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The Morning After

Time check: 6:41 am

Why I am awake this early is a question I cannot answer, especially when I slept at around 1: 40 am last night.

The feeling of waking up is bittersweet. It’s Sunday, just a few more hours before I face the reality (although tomorrow’s a holiday and I won’t be back in the office til Wednesday). But on the brightest side, at least I got to see my favorite band last night.

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The Provincial Life | My everyday routine

I live in the province and work in the city. Most of my free time are spent traveling and I don’t mean that in an adventurous and exciting way. I think it’s better to use the word commuting (hmmm maybe this can be considered as adventurous). Anyway, I’m telling you this as a disclaimer that you won’t see anything grand or glamorous in here. Just a regular struggling probinsyana trying to be as honest as possible (who reads this blog, anyway?). Ya ready? Okay. Here we go.Read More »

Where are we?

At the beginning of this year, my manager asked every person in our team about our New Year’s resolution.Being the youngest person in the room, as some sort of a power trip, everyone pointed at me to start the discussion. Or to give them more time to think, they passed the baton to the baby first. Honestly, I felt like I was put on the spot. I  should’ve anticipated this question over the holidays because it’s a go-to conversation starter whenever another year opens, but at that time, I really don’t know how to answer.

I guess never really thought it over. Maybe I just know that I’ll fail anyway, so why put myself up to a promise that a lot of people might expect from me? With God’s grace and divine intervention of the Holy Spirit, I managed to blurt out an answer. And thinking of it now, I should’ve gone for a go-to New Year answer to this go-to New Year question. I should’ve said that I will be spending less this year or I will try to take control of my health. But somehow, I went for a deeper answer and said, “Oh, I’m gonna focus on building up my skills this year.” Shit.

I don’t even know how that idea entered my mind. What I know is the moment those words came out of me, I wanted to turn back time or maybe just disappear. Way to put pressure on yourself, self! I’m the kind of person who doesn’t talk about big plans to other people just because I don’t want them to expect something from me and just be disappointed afterward. And knowing me, I disappointing myself quite often. But hey, since I let the world (my team, actually) know that I need to improve on something, I need to work even harder to prove something to them. I am their baby and they will be watching out for me, I am 80% sure of that. Ugh! I actually need to work towards my “resolution”.

So, where are we?
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6. When I grow up, I want to be…

You may or may not know that I recently graduated from college May of this year. You may or may also not know that I just landed a six-month internship with a digital marketing agency. From what it sounds, it seems like I’m doing great and slowly setting my foot on the right path instead of getting lost with the crowd. However, I still often think whether or not I’m making the right decisions for myself.

Having landed a job in the span of one month right after college doesn’t seem bad at all. It’s still better than staying at home, being a couch potato, and living the unemployed life. Many of my blockmates from the university told me how lucky I am for getting an experience (that doesn’t suck at all when it comes to salary) so quickly and smoothly. And I think so too. Not only do I get paid well, I also attain that work-life balance that everyone wants. I have wonderful and intelligent people surrounding me that are so much fun to be with in the office, and I have the best boss I could ask for. He motivates me every time he could and never lets me feel as if I’m at the bottom of the food chain. He lets his employees shine in their own little ways and also makes sure we’re having fun on whatever we are doing. Sounds like it’s the job for keeps, eh? Somehow, it’s not.

Whilst I’m grateful for this internship and the training I get, I couldn’t stop thinking of the other possibilities and opportunities out there where I will get to pursue my passion. Before landing this job, there was a hanging offer for me to write and the benefits are good (I mean goooooood), but something tells me not to accept this job yet and go on with the internship. So I did. I followed my guts. I’d be lying if I said that the thought of getting to write at work doesn’t haunt me. I still wonder what it feels like doing something you love and earning something from it. Did I make the wrong choice? Would it be the first step to my ultimate dream job and I just let it slip out of my hand?

My dream job may sound absurd and kind of unambitious, but landing that particular job would make me very happy. I want to work for Shonda Rhimes. No, I don’t even wanna be like Shonda Rhimes because I know I’m nothing compared to her, but I just want to see and be able to be a part of the magic she does. I want to see her grind, her writing process, how she puts together ideas, and witness how she change slowly change the world one episode at a time. She’s my drive, my spirit animal, my inspiration, and motivation. I admire her a lot.

This may sound obnoxious, but I know I could work for her. I know I’m fit for the job, that I have the potential of becoming one of her associates. This is why everything I planned for my career so far leads to me being hired by Shonda, or maybe at least being able to be as good as her in telling stories, because nothing compares to the feeling of putting life in characters and making real people in love with them. I haven’t attained it yet, but one day, I will.  Someday, I’ll be proud of myself for being able to do it.

Someday, I promise.

Someday.

5. Food!!!

It actually took long before starting to write this post because I can’t think of a specific favourite food of mine, but here’s to hoping I get to cover them all up here.

I’ve always had a sweet tooth, even as a kid. I remember how my granny would always buy me a chocolate drink and chocolate coated pretzel after school. My day wouldn’t be complete without that combo, maybe I would throw tantrums, I’m not sure, but it’s a big possibility. Even up to this date, I feel like I’m celebrating something whenever I eat ice cream. Don’t even ask for my favourite ice cream flavour, because I can eat whatever you serve in front of me. When in a coffee shop, I look forward to eating cakes and pastries instead of sipping coffee. Maybe because I’m not that big of a fan of coffee.

I also stubbornly love seafood. Stubbornly because I’m allergic to shell fish, but that’s what antihistamines are for, right? Honestly, the plain thought of crabs and prawns can send water to my mouth. I also recently discovered my love for Asian food which I thought I hate because I’m a big fan of European cuisine. Thanks to buffets for introducing me to different dishes.

Maybe taste buds do change as time goes by. I used to be a picky eater, but now, maybe my palette is a little bit more adventurous.

what a crappy post. i know

4. Pet Peeves

  1. Smoking in public places

Don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t care less about your vices and what you do to your body. I know a lot of people who smoke and I give them the same respect I give to non-smokers, but please have the courtesy of being mindful of other people. First, I hate the smell (even the electronic cigs). Second, some people hate asthma. Stop puffing in front of people’s faces!

  1. Cashiers who gossip whilst the line is long

I’ve experienced a lot of this in different supermarkets and groceries all around the Philippines. I know we are social beings, but will you do your work first? It seems like they are uninterested in serving their customers.

  1. Misogynists

Oh lord Jon Snow. Where do I start? Let me start off by reminding everyone that it’s 2016. Why can’t we move forward and start treating the same instead of being stuck in an ancient mind set? Also, let me just say that ‘feminism’ is the equality among sexes. I know that it’s not the kind of feminism most celebrity projects, but it’s not only about woman empowerment. It’s about humanity. It’s about giving the opportunity for people to live in a better world. We should have enough understanding about it.

  1. Humble brag

Sorry I just wouldn’t fall for your #blessed post. Seriously, if you’re happy about something, why be lowkey about it? Why do you need to present it in such an annoying way? Be proud of what you have but know your boundaries.

  1. People who arrives late ON PURPOSE

I know a lot of people who does this. I can’t think of any reason on why they do it but to seek attention. Ironic, why would you want to be known for being late?