3. SINGLE!!! (and fine with it)

No matter how much I hate to admit it, I’m a sucker for romance. I love seeing other people fall in love – in movies, in books, and of course, in reality. But somehow, watching the people close to me with their significant other makes me want to be (alone) single forever (well, not exactly forever but you get me, right?).

I am single for 20 years now. Single since birth. I’ve never said “I love you” to someone and mean it romantically. I’ve never been committed, never been kissed, never been touched. And somehow, I’m completely, honestly, whole-heartedly okay with it. The problem is some people…aren’t.

I have lost track of how many people have raised their eyebrows or interrogated me about this matter. Some are fine with it, some are curious, and a lot suggests of gives conclusions on why I’ve never ever had a boyfriend. Maybe you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe you’re setting your standards waaaay too high. Maybe you’re gay or queer or interested in girls or confused. Just for the record, I’ve done the self-assessment…I like guys. I had few suitors and had my fair share of fluttering butterflies in my stomach. So what could be wrong with me then?

My standards are way too high, yes, maybe? But why the hell should I lower it just for the sake of having a boyfriend? I’ve always set high expectations for myself in every aspect of my life. In school, at work, and even in picking my friends, so naturally, I wouldn’t settle for someone who I think doesn’t deserve me at all. I am afraid of commitments, this is what my friends would always say. And maybe they’re right. But I’m scared for my career more than I am for my love life. I chose to conquer the former first.

Looking for love isn’t just my thing. I can take care of myself and am receiving enough love from my family and friends. I also think that I haven’t even met the standards I set for myself yet, why should I look for that in other people? Right now, I’m busy making myself better, making myself deserving of the guy I later on would want to meet and spend my life with. I am not at all scared of growing up alone. Honestly, I’d rather spend all my money on spoiling myself. I’d rather walk around the house looking like a trash and be okay with it, but then again, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to wake up to every morning?

I’ve never written a poem about love…

But if I have to, I’ll write one for you.

-Ella Julian; The poem that never was (April 2016)


2. Me: the good, the bad, and the ugly

This is the second topic of the blogging challenge. I gotta say, I really had a hard time thinking of what to write in this topic, and right now, as I am writing this, I still don’t have a full picture on what to say. So to make it more easier for myself, I decided to get a little help from my friend also known as the internet. 🙂

I am a Pisces, so I searched for characteristics of a Pisces. Some of it might be accurate, some might be slightly questionable. I got this passage from astrology-zodiac-signs.com. Let’s try to break it to pieces.

Pisces are very friendly, so they often find themselves in a company of very different people. Pisces are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back. Pisces is a Water sign and as such this zodiac sign is characterized by empathy and expressed emotional capacity.

This part is very evident in me, especially to those who know me personally. As much as possible, I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable, mainly because it discomforts me as well. I often think I’m too nice to people that sometimes, I think it isn’t right anymore. Growing up, I learned to just understand where people are coming from and putting myself in their position. I always think that things would be better if I do all the compassion and leave it to other people to their realizations for themselves. I do it so often that I don’t know how to fight for my side anymore and I’m trying to change that. I am one of those people who believes that there’s a good side in everyone.

Their ruling planet is Neptune, so Pisces are more intuitive than others and have an artistic talent. Neptune is connected to music, so Pisces reveal music preferences in the earliest stages of life.

I don’t really consider myself ~artistic~, but I think I have enough appreciation for arts. I honestly think that my taste in art (includes music, film, architecture, photography, etc.) is far classier than usual people of my age. Art isn’t just something that appeals to my senses, it also reaches my heart. I just can’t explain how chills crawl over my spine and how the butterflies flutter in my stomach whenever I hear or see something so beautiful.

Pisces-born are known by their wisdom, but under the influence of Uranus, Pisces sometimes can take the role of a martyr, in order to catch the attention.

So, I guess this is the bad side of me. I think I constantly crave for attention (even if I have social anxiety) and I want it for people to see me as someone to be jealous of. I try my hardest not to be an asshole and put spotlight on me especially when I think it’s something I would be praised for later on, but deep inside, that’s exactly what I know I want. I want attention and I want people to look at me as perfect, as someone that makes a lot of sense. I know I cannot achieve that, but I have to be honest that that’s the dark part of me. I think it’s one thing that people don’t admit, but I think as long as that part of you can be controlled, you’re good.


So, that’s a glimpse of me. I tried my hardest even though I really don’t know how to talk about myself and how to describe myself because I don’t think I know myself that well yet, but we’ll get there. 🙂

1. What, why, and where I write

I feel like I’ve posted about writing more than I should and here I am doing one again. Writing isn’t really something 10 yr old Ella would imagine she can excel in. As a kid, I’ve always loved playing with words, making them sound pretty, and making myself seem smart even if I don’t have to. At that time, I thought I was just being vain and a show off, kinda true, but little did I know that it would lead to something that comes in handy.

It was not until college did I consider it as a “skill.” And although I took a lot of writing electives in the university, I still think my writing is lame and still needs a lot of improvement. Despite my set backs, I have come to love writing and learnt to express myself more effectively through it (or maybe that’s just the introvert in me). I even wrote a writer’s creed because of my love for the craft (naaah, this was an activity in school but I enjoyed writing it). I think that creed pretty much covered what writing really means to me and how it helps me and comforts me.

Where do I write? From the heart.

Kidding aside, I write everywhere. When something pops to my mind, I take my phone out and do drafts on the notes app. Sadly, I never really get to convert most of those drafts into something more “readable”. This is what I’m trying to work on. Getting my thoughts on an area where I can share it with more people and hopefully would help someone.

I think it’s an advantage that I get a lot of alone and quiet time because that’s when ideas come to me. I’m an overthinker, so a lot of times, I need to figure things out to avoid depression and that’s where writing comes in. There is a magic that writing offers me that when I write, I dig deep on my emotions and somehow I realize something about myself and even know myself better.Writing satisfies my soul. It’s like a therapy, but for free. And I am thankful for that.


I’ve never been active on any of my blogs. I’ve tried a lot of platforms and as much as I want to write regularly, I always end up keeping thoughts to myself. There are times where I imagine writing about a certain topic and the way I should write it and how I should conclude it, but usually, that’s just how far it goes. So now, since I’m bummed and stuck on my bed for God knows how long because I’m a fresh grad patiently waiting for a company to call, I decided that maybe a blog challenge would help me keep a good pace in writing.


I found this random image in Google and I think the topics are something I could talk about openly, some I’ve actually already talked about in my blog. It’s not my goal to actually finish the challenge or cover every single item, but I hope I can tick at least 80% off the list. Also, I can’t promise that I can do it chronologically, but I will try my very best. The whole point of this “project”of mine is to be productive whilst living the unemployed life and also developing my writing. Here goes nothing. Wish me luck. 🙂

Commencement speech of the girl who never got to deliver one

On random days, I find myself watching YouTube videos of celebrities delivering commencement speeches, especially those delivered in the Ivy League colleges. And usually, I’d promise myself that a single 20-minute long video would be enough to enlighten my mood and fill my doubting heart with a little twinge of hope. But somehow, I always fall to the trap and catch myself clicking the stupid “recommended” button at the bottom of the screen. It’s very rare that I’d hate a speech, so one recommendation would lead to another and another and another until I realize that I already consumed three hours just by watching Hollywood personalities talk to a bunch of college graduates who couldn’t even care less about what the speaker has to say.

This got me thinking. Will I ever be invited to be a commencement speaker? And if I did, what would I be saying? Will I try to keep it short? Inspiring? Will I be able to make them laugh? And most importantly, what story would I tell them? Which college anecdote of mine is funny, yet uplifting enough to make it to the “stories worth telling to a group of uninterested people” list. And from someone who watches commencement speeches for three hours, you can say that I am…a boring person. An introvert. I don’t know how to grab attention, yet alone don’t want attention. But, I know how to tell a story.

They say that a good story has a beginning, middle, and an end. Though, it does not necessarily have to be in order, but I choose to start at the beginning. I’ll start at the moment I fantasized about my college life. The moment I pictured which university I’ll be in based on the books I’ve read and movies I’ve watched. I was quite sure that moment that I’ll be in a university with wide grass field. Somewhere I can sit and have group studies or just lie down and listen to good music. I’ll begin where I started dreaming of what I want to be. A concert producer, I would say. It seems like a perfect fit for me. Someone who had been to a lot of concerts, actually loves music, and does not possess any talent at all. It would be the perfect profession for a shy unskilled kid. This is the beginning. I am that girl with big dreams and low self-esteem. Nothing more, nothing less.

Middle. The moment I stepped in within the walls of this school, I knew things wouldn’t go the way I want them to be. It was quite frustrating, yes, but I wasn’t bothered. My school may not have a grass field, but I may still be a concert producer, I thought to myself. I only have to survive four years and then go on as planned. Little did I know that those four years isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I knew before entering college that this would be challenging. Maybe I underestimated it. Maybe I disregarded that fact that I’d have to wake up on my own, talk to people on my own, plan a budget, commute, and a lot of other things I forgot to put into consideration. I could go on and talk about how stressful those four year were, but you’ve heard that story more than you have to. So this is what I’d tell you. That college, based on my experience at least, is nothing but getting to know yourself even more. Throughout the four years I’ve stayed here, I met a lot of twists and turns and changes of heart. That wouldn’t be possible if I hadn’t met the people I’m in the same community with. Those four years were the years I was building myself, building the Ella I want the world to know. And here I am, being the person I once pretended to be.

And now we’ve come to the end. Here we are, being the bunch of college graduates who couldn’t even care less about what the speaker has to say, hopefully already built the face we want to use to on going on with the world. Me? I am still that girl with big dreams and low self-esteem, but now I am so much more than that. I am now the girl who knows her worth and strength. Turns out, writing is my gift. It’s something I’ve always had in me, but never made a big deal out of it, and thanks to college, I started appreciating it. Thanks to college, I was able to hone it and fall in love with it even more. I am now that girl that who knows that good things come in small packages. That there’s always a bright side in everything we face, we just have to give it a chance and work on ourselves instead of letting others work for us. I am now that girl who has opinion and will stand by it just as long as I think it’s right. And finally, I am now that girl who knows that everything will fall into place, everything will be alright, and everything that happens will lead you to a path you’ll never see coming, but will sure help you.

This the end. This is the part where the credits roll, the part where we wait for the more exciting, more adventurous, more challenging sequel. I’ll see you when we’ll be the one to tell that story, when we’ll be the one whose speech will be uploaded on YouTube and inspire that one silly kid who’ll waste hours just by listening to us talk about our college anecdotes that passed the “stories worth telling to a group of uninterested people” list. I’ll see you walking with confidence; your head up, but your feet sticking to the ground. And finally, hopefully, I’ll see you in success.

Hi. I don’t really know who started this. But I’ll give credits as soon as I open my desktop. 

1. What is your best friend’s name?


2. Who would you throw into the Bermuda Triangle?

Pwede bang yung fats ko?

3. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?


4. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Yes. Hihi

5. Have you ever stolen a street sign?


6. Do you always smile for pictures?

Not always

7. Do you ever dance even if there is no music playing?


8. How many people have you slept with this week?

Never even slept with anyone my whole life

9. What is your song of the week?

Moon river!!!!

10. Do you still watch cartoons?

Animated movies, yes

11. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

My lola’s garden

12. Heels or flats?


13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

Before Sunrise, Chances Are, Pretty Woman, When in Rome, How to Lose a Guys in Ten Days

14. Last person you kissed?


15. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Bilang Paulinian ako, no

16. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?


17. Can you change the oil on a car?


18. Are you dating?

Never had

19. Describe your ideal proposal?

The guy just had to say the right words

20. Are you lazy?

Oh yessss

21. How many languages can you speak?


22. Are you stubborn?

I don’t think so?

23. Ever watch soap operas?

I watch them but I dont really dig them?

24. Nicknames

Kailangan pa ba ng nickname ng pangalan ko? Simpleng Ella lang. Boring. I know

25. Ever used a gun?


26. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I’ll get back to you on that

27. What color was the last bra you bought?

……why should I remember?

28. Does anyone know the password to your email address?

A lot of people. Hahaha

29. Do you want any tattoos?

I want but I’m scared

30. Any strange habits?

I rub my belly buttons. Hehe

31. What’s the worst abuse you have done to your phone?

I dont really know? Haha

32. What ever happened with you and your first gf/bf?

Again, I’ll get back to you on that

33. How old do you think you will be when you have your first child?

Eek! 30-something?

34. Are you a risk taker?

No. Nakakasad

35. What happened the last time you cried?

I was talking to my mom

36. Honestly, are things going the way you planned?


37. What’s your worst habit?

Finding excuses? Overthinking?

38. What’s your favorite thing about your gf/bf/crush?

He’s so hot!!!!

39. Have you ever bitten your toes nails?

Hahaha. I have!

40. Do you have any strange phobias?

Vaccines. Like really scared

41. Do you miss anyone right now?

Who doesnt?

42. Who are you in love with?

Myself. Hehe

43. What do you want to know about the future?

Will I be able to do what I love?

44. Have you already planned your wedding?

No. But I once wrote a fixtion about weddings. It’s beautiful (the description of the wedding, at least. The writing? Idk.)

45. Do people ever take you seriously?

The people who really knows me, yes

46. Why do you have a blog?

For the love of writing 😊

47. How old are you?


48. What is the one thing you’ll never do again?

Lie to my parents

49. If you were the opposite gender. What name would you like to have?

Raymond? Just like my father 

50. Which celebrity would you change lives with?

Taylor Swift