Ella, read this when you’re starting to question your day job.

Dear Ella,

I hope you are reading this just because it randomly crossed your mind, but there is a good chance you are here because you’re stressed and starting to get anxious and you just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to remind you why you accepted this job in the first place because I think this question has probably crossed your mind.

Remember that before this opportunity, you received rejections after rejections after rejections and you just don’t know why. You reached a point where you did not care at all if no one wants you, but you are not worried at all maybe because of your small business (which I really hope is still thriving) and also because you know in the back of your mind that you’ll find the right job eventually. You were very confident about yourself. You are willing to start all over again and take on new roles.

When you applied for this job, you were almost certain that you’re not qualified or you’ll never get a call back, or if there is a call back, they’ll probably offer low rates and you’ll just pass on it. You almost forgot that you even applied! You didn’t have high hopes at all. But somehow, you pushed to go to the interview. Even if you’re currently binge-watching a reality show on Youtube, even if you know it costs a lot to travel these days. You went for it because you said you’ll take in every opportunity you get. You said it’s better to try some things out and fail than live with regret.

Remember that when you’re interviewing for the job, you immediately felt a connection. You felt the excitement and even grabbed your rosary and told God to give it to you if it’s really for you. You felt it. You felt that the job is yours. You talked about the women that inspire you since you were in college and just cannot believe that this is happening. During the interview, you already know that this is not a job you can just sleep in. This won’t be a pa-easy easy lang job. You knew that from the get-go. You know you have to work hard, physically and intellectually. And you thought to yourself that maybe you were meant for things that are this big. Remember that right after the interview, you called your mom and told her to pray that you get the job. You love it so much and said it’s a pipe dream and really cannot believe life led you to this path.

Remember that despite the thing that you despise the most, you accepted this job because you know you can get something out of it. You know that this is a stepping stone and this can be huge for the career you are building. You thought of it as an AOC and Olivia Pope moment and reminded yourself that there may be a chance that they once worked in a company they hated before too. You were thinking that if you can consult this to AOC, she’ll say to take the job and do your best while you at it. Remember that you said you’ll regret it if you didn’t even try, that the curiosity will kill you and that at least now, you’ll have this amazing story that you can tell your friends and people you’ll meet. How amazing it is to say that you kind lived an Olivia Pope-type life?

Remember what your friends told you: 1.) “I cannot think of a more perfect job that would make you want to go back out there.” and 2.) “You’ll be okay.” ELLA! YOU WILL BE OKAY!

You accepted this job because it’s campaign season and you just would love to be there behind the scenes. Remember that! Remember the movies and documentaries and shows you would watch and remember when you were in awe? I know reality may be much much more boring and surprising and completely different but this is it! You’re here! It’s a very exciting time for you!

If you’re so so so tired, remember that it’s okay to resign no matter how soon it is. It’s okay if you’re reading this a week after, a month after, or a year after. I know you have done your best. You lived it. You lived your dream and now, no one can take that away from you. You can now apply or volunteer to the people you look up to and you can use this experience as a leverage. I am sure you already learned a lot about yourself, so don’t worry learning much about the industry. Now you can say that you have tried it. I am already proud of you! Look how far we’ve come!!!

Much much love and admiration,

Ella

Have I depended solely on science?

I am one of those people who, from the day I could understand what adults are saying, believed in God and Heaven and Jesus and Mama Mary. I was raised being thought to pray at night and on my highest and lowest minutes. Would I consider myself religious? Hell yes! But am I the best person to talk to you about the Bible? I don’t think so. What I’m trying to say is that I always knew who the reason for my existence is. I, however, haven’t come to the point where I faithfully surrender everything to Him. 

It was more than a year ago since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, 6 months since I started taking medications and regularly talking to a therapist. Like most people probably felt, I didn’t like therapy at first. I’m not comfortable meeting new people let alone trusting them to understand how my mind works, but I don’t like feeling not okay either so I decided to trust the process of “getting help”. I wouldn’t lie, the first few weeks (months?) were horrible. It felt like I was having no progress at all, which made me more and more miserable. I would love to tell you more about it, but this isn’t that story. Let me just skip to the part where I eventually felt better week by week. It’s nice, more than nice. Beautiful? Refreshing? Revealing? I cannot even think of a word that fits the feeling of slowly re-gaining my own mind. Finally, I feel “normal”.

This is not a feel-good story (jokes on me lol). Whilst I gradually found myself, I was also losing my religion and I don’t know why. This is especially regretful for a catholic-school-girl-who-lives-next-to-the-church like myself. It felt as if I’m a rebel (I know! I know! My standards for labelling myself a rebel seems pretty low BUT THIS IS MY STORY SO SHUT UP DONT JUDGE ME!).

I still love God and still believe in Him. I still know deep in my heart that He can make miracles happen and He’s the reason for my existence. However, I just don’t know how to talk to Him anymore. Every time I try, it feels as if I’m talking to a stranger I just met. An awkward conversation, if you must say. Maybe a friend I lost contact with and the spark isn’t there anymore. I used to pray every day and every time I feel His presence; whenever I go to school/work without a hint of traffic, whenever I receive challenging tasks that I know there’s no way I can accomplish alone without Him helping me, I even talk to Him whenever I encounter any art that makes my insides shiver. Now, embarrassingly, I must admit that I don’t even recall the last I prayed. Hell, I can’t even remember what/who I last prayed for. How the hell did this happen? He did nothing but made me better every single day.

Sometimes, I’d like to believe that I’m just being lazy, that maybe I find praying a chore rather than something that fulfils my spiritual needs. Now I find it funny that through all these kapariwaraans, I only hope and NOT PRAY that I soon will gain my relationship with my God. It’s hard for me knowing that I only talk to Him just because I’m in desperate need of something. UGH IT’S SO HARD TO EXPLAIN. I DONT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW!

Have I gave in to science now that I know that it really made me feel better? Was I just looking for something this big of a “miracle” for me to truly believe in something? Have I replaced my God? I know I don’t want to. Oh, I hope I did not!

My Favorite Scenes from Scandal

After watching Scandal for 7 seasons, I can say that it’s definitely the show that has left the biggest impact in my life. I know that’s saying a lot, but I’ve watched it in an age where I’m just starting to be aware of what’s happening around me, where I’m starting to realize that there’s a bigger world out there that’s somehow in control of our lives whether we like it or not.

People who are close to me know that when I start talking about Scandal, I could just go on and on about the show. Praising the character, the storyline, the actors and actresses, the cinematography, the musical score, and (of course) the writing. THE WRITING! I’m always in awe of how the story is told and how they make sure that they tell it using all the devices they have.

22 Lessons in 22 Years

I recently turned 22 last Thursday!

I’m gonna be real, I like the attention and love I get whenever it’s my birthday. I love being greeted and reading sweet micro-messages. Okay, I guess that makes me kind of an attention-seeker, but what’s wrong with wanting to be celebrated, right?

I’m one of the youngest in my office so when I told everyone my age, they gave me this wide-eyed look with matching “so young!” statements. I like being the youngest in the office, I think of it as a free-pass to make mistakes. However, even after all the “you are just about to experience life” statements, I still think life has already given me a good number of highs and lows. I had my fair share of ups and downs.

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5 Movies That I Will Make You Watch

I came across this Facebook post (yes, I still use Facebook) recently wherein you enumerate 5 movies that you would recommend to someone on your first date. These movies should be a way of introducing who are, a way of letting them guess the parts of you that that movie represents. I think this is a creative way of getting to know a person. Just like personal playlists, there’s something intimate about a person’s list of go-to movies.

Because I don’t really ~date~ and I really really want to share my list, I figured I’ll just write them down here. Please take note that I’m not a big movie buff. I don’t think I’ve seen a lot of movies and I’m not someone who can give the best movie recommendations. I apologise if my list is a little too basic for some of you, but to me, these movies hold a special place in my heart. I would really appreciate it if you could give me few titles that you think I will like.

Yesterday was a good day.

Yesterday was a good day.

Fridays are usually my favorite day of the week for obvious reasons – it’s the start of the weekend. Each Monday feels like a countdown to Friday. The ride home on Fridays feel like a bliss. A walk in a musty park, me watching the sunrise whilst sipping my tea. A bliss. I love Fridays.

But somehow, for a number of weeks, my Fridays felt just like the rest of my weekdays. Stale and waiting for something to come, only this time, I/m not exactly sure what I’m looking forward to.

20/12/17

here’s the thing.

if you (somehow) had the chance of meeting me, i might strike you as someone who smiles a lot. someone with a really sunshiny personality who’s happy all the time. someone who religiously follows the law of attraction or someone who has read that secrets book and lives with it.

i would love to be that person, but no. the truth is, i’m a pessimist, o matter how hard i try to have a positive outlook in mind. some might call this anxiety, i don’t know. i’m not sure. it might be. my psychiatrist said it is, but really, i don’t know cause i ditched her. i never came back. i’m a hundred percent convinced that i’m good and i don’t need help, but here am i, writing this. i guess i’m secretly hoping someone would read this, but also scared that i’m exposing this to the world. who will i be once i let out a small portion of what’s really going on in my brain?

my brain? it’s very scary-at least for me. you see, i’m the kind of person who picture’s my friend’s funeral at any random moment (told you i’m a  pessimist). and every single time i think about it, my ears swell up in tears. i picture my mom or dad accompanying me because it will be really hard for me to see them lifeless. i picture myself locking myself in some room thinking how i literally have nothing (n o t h i n g) if something happens to any one of them. honestly, i don’t know how my life will go if that happens.

i’m such a thoughtful friend and anyone would be so lucky to have me as their buddy, i know, i know. but ha! who am i kidding. wanna know the ugly truth? i don’t have friends. i don’t have a support system. i literally have nothing right now (n o t h i n g). the friends i mentioned earlier? i don’t even know if they still consider me as a friend. i don’t know if i will even fall in someone list of people to give gifts to this christmas. i wonder if someone will cry so hard at my funeral that their parents have to accompany them. right now, it doesn’t feel like it. i’m fine, though. don’t worry about me, i don’t want to bother anybody. i’m just wondering how the hell i got here. i wish i was close to my mom, but there are things that she just won’t understand, and that’s fine with me.

i love life. i really do.

i guess life just hates me.

The Morning After

Time check: 6:41 am

Why I am awake this early is a question I cannot answer, especially when I slept at around 1: 40 am last night.

The feeling of waking up is bittersweet. It’s Sunday, just a few more hours before I face the reality (although tomorrow’s a holiday and I won’t be back in the office til Wednesday). But on the brightest side, at least I got to see my favorite band last night.

The Provincial Life | My everyday routine

I live in the province and work in the city. Most of my free time are spent traveling and I don’t mean that in an adventurous and exciting way. I think it’s better to use the word commuting (hmmm maybe this can be considered as adventurous). Anyway, I’m telling you this as a disclaimer that you won’t see anything grand or glamorous in here. Just a regular struggling probinsyana trying to be as honest as possible (who reads this blog, anyway?). Ya ready? Okay. Here we go.