I’m gonna be real, I like the attention and love I get whenever it’s my birthday. I love being greeted and reading sweet micro-messages. Okay, I guess that makes me kind of an attention-seeker, but what’s wrong with wanting to be celebrated, right?
I’m one of the youngest in my office so when I told everyone my age, they gave me this wide-eyed look with matching “so young!” statements. I like being the youngest in the office, I think of it as a free-pass to make mistakes. However, even after all the “you are just about to experience life” statements, I still think life has already given me a good number of highs and lows. I had my fair share of ups and downs.
I came across this Facebook post (yes, I still use Facebook) recently wherein you enumerate 5 movies that you would recommend to someone on your first date. These movies should be a way of introducing who are, a way of letting them guess the parts of you that that movie represents. I think this is a creative way of getting to know a person. Just like personal playlists, there’s something intimate about a person’s list of go-to movies.
Because I don’t really ~date~ and I really really want to share my list, I figured I’ll just write them down here. Please take note that I’m not a big movie buff. I don’t think I’ve seen a lot of movies and I’m not someone who can give the best movie recommendations. I apologise if my list is a little too basic for some of you, but to me, these movies hold a special place in my heart. I would really appreciate it if you could give me few titles that you think I will like.
Fridays are usually my favorite day of the week for obvious reasons – it’s the start of the weekend. Each Monday feels like a countdown to Friday. The ride home on Fridays feel like a bliss. A walk in a musty park, me watching the sunrise whilst sipping my tea. A bliss. I love Fridays.
But somehow, for a number of weeks, my Fridays felt just like the rest of my weekdays. Stale and waiting for something to come, only this time, I/m not exactly sure what I’m looking forward to.
if you (somehow) had the chance of meeting me, i might strike you as someone who smiles a lot. someone with a really sunshiny personality who’s happy all the time. someone who religiously follows the law of attraction or someone who has read that secrets book and lives with it.
i would love to be that person, but no. the truth is, i’m a pessimist, o matter how hard i try to have a positive outlook in mind. some might call this anxiety, i don’t know. i’m not sure. it might be. my psychiatrist said it is, but really, i don’t know cause i ditched her. i never came back. i’m a hundred percent convinced that i’m good and i don’t need help, but here am i, writing this. i guess i’m secretly hoping someone would read this, but also scared that i’m exposing this to the world. who will i be once i let out a small portion of what’s really going on in my brain?
my brain? it’s very scary-at least for me. you see, i’m the kind of person who picture’s my friend’s funeral at any random moment (told you i’m a pessimist). and every single time i think about it, my ears swell up in tears. i picture my mom or dad accompanying me because it will be really hard for me to see them lifeless. i picture myself locking myself in some room thinking how i literally have nothing (n o t h i n g) if something happens to any one of them. honestly, i don’t know how my life will go if that happens.
i’m such a thoughtful friend and anyone would be so lucky to have me as their buddy, i know, i know. but ha! who am i kidding. wanna know the ugly truth? i don’t have friends. i don’t have a support system. i literally have nothing right now (n o t h i n g). the friends i mentioned earlier? i don’t even know if they still consider me as a friend. i don’t know if i will even fall in someone list of people to give gifts to this christmas. i wonder if someone will cry so hard at my funeral that their parents have to accompany them. right now, it doesn’t feel like it. i’m fine, though. don’t worry about me, i don’t want to bother anybody. i’m just wondering how the hell i got here. i wish i was close to my mom, but there are things that she just won’t understand, and that’s fine with me.
Why I am awake this early is a question I cannot answer, especially when I slept at around 1: 40 am last night.
The feeling of waking up is bittersweet. It’s Sunday, just a few more hours before I face the reality (although tomorrow’s a holiday and I won’t be back in the office til Wednesday). But on the brightest side, at least I got to see my favorite band last night.
I live in the province and work in the city. Most of my free time are spent traveling and I don’t mean that in an adventurous and exciting way. I think it’s better to use the word commuting (hmmm maybe this can be considered as adventurous). Anyway, I’m telling you this as a disclaimer that you won’t see anything grand or glamorous in here. Just a regular struggling probinsyana trying to be as honest as possible (who reads this blog, anyway?). Ya ready? Okay. Here we go.Read More »