here’s the thing.
if you (somehow) had the chance of meeting me, i might strike you as someone who smiles a lot. someone with a really sunshiny personality who’s happy all the time. someone who religiously follows the law of attraction or someone who has read that secrets book and lives with it.
i would love to be that person, but no. the truth is, i’m a pessimist, o matter how hard i try to have a positive outlook in mind. some might call this anxiety, i don’t know. i’m not sure. it might be. my psychiatrist said it is, but really, i don’t know cause i ditched her. i never came back. i’m a hundred percent convinced that i’m good and i don’t need help, but here am i, writing this. i guess i’m secretly hoping someone would read this, but also scared that i’m exposing this to the world. who will i be once i let out a small portion of what’s really going on in my brain?
my brain? it’s very scary-at least for me. you see, i’m the kind of person who picture’s my friend’s funeral at any random moment (told you i’m a pessimist). and every single time i think about it, my ears swell up in tears. i picture my mom or dad accompanying me because it will be really hard for me to see them lifeless. i picture myself locking myself in some room thinking how i literally have nothing (n o t h i n g) if something happens to any one of them. honestly, i don’t know how my life will go if that happens.
i’m such a thoughtful friend and anyone would be so lucky to have me as their buddy, i know, i know. but ha! who am i kidding. wanna know the ugly truth? i don’t have friends. i don’t have a support system. i literally have nothing right now (n o t h i n g). the friends i mentioned earlier? i don’t even know if they still consider me as a friend. i don’t know if i will even fall in someone list of people to give gifts to this christmas. i wonder if someone will cry so hard at my funeral that their parents have to accompany them. right now, it doesn’t feel like it. i’m fine, though. don’t worry about me, i don’t want to bother anybody. i’m just wondering how the hell i got here. i wish i was close to my mom, but there are things that she just won’t understand, and that’s fine with me.
i love life. i really do.
i guess life just hates me.